Communication breaks down in professional settings for a variety of reasons: unclear roles and expectations, misaligned values and goals, unproductive conflict, lack of feedback, etc. The list goes on and on! Underpinning these communication snafus are two fundamental flaws: Making Assumptions and Acting on Autopilot. When we make assumptions, we are approaching interactions from a place of judgment instead of curiosity. When we operate on autopilot, we slip into habitual ways of reacting, instead of dynamic ways of responding.
Let’s talk about assumptions. Assumptions are essentially the story we tell ourselves about someone else’s motives. Fundamentally, our assumptions are based on the belief that everyone thinks, communicates and experiences things the same way we do. And this is simply not the case. They are connected to our own communication preferences. These show up clearly in inventory systems like the Myers Briggs test, the Kolbe assessment and of course (from my point of view as a professional astrologer) in your horoscope! These different methodologies outline your communication styles and differences, but that doesn’t absolve you from the responsibility of communicating effectively. It is not enough to throw our arms in the air and simply fall back on “well this is just the way I am” and hope for the best. If your message isn’t landing, it’s your responsibility as a leader to adapt your communication so your team can truly hear you. And that should include getting curious about other people’s preferences, staying curious and spending more time listening, rather than talking.
Now let’s turn our attention to habits & reactivity. If you’ve ever had the experience of having the same conversation over and over with a colleague, your boss, your spouse, a family member or a friend, you may be stuck in a communication habit rut. When we are communicating in a habitual way, we aren’t truly present, and we may be listening to respond, rather than to hear. In this state, we often slip into familiar reactions and we speak in absolute terms with words like “always and never” putting the other party on the defensive. Habitual responses often lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding. To shift out of this pattern, we need to tune into our body and tend to our nervous system. We see communication as a cerebral and mental activity, but it is also about how our nervous system is responding to another person. Some techniques to stay present to your body and feel its response include slowing your breathing down, consciously dropping your shoulders down from your ears to release tension in your neck and shoulders and slow down your rate of speech. When our nervous system is regulated using tools such as these, we will be able to respond to what is happening rather than reacting habitually. And this will lead to different outcomes and problem resolution.
I invite you to set an intention around how you might make a small shift in how you currently communicate. That could be as simple as “I will listen more than I speak in meetings today”, or trying a mindfulness technique like to help notice when you are making assumptions without clarifying. These shifts help you stay in integrity, build trust and gain clarity.
Less judgement, more listening, stay curious. Simple, but not always easy.
Naomi Simpson
Relationship Coach & Accredited Astrologer, Dip. CAAE
416-407-5355
I work with clients to turn relationship struggles into clarity and connection💞